Long story shortened immensely, the BF and I have been discussing the merits of moving in together. He, being a logical creature, thinks of the idea from an analytical point of view. I sleep at his house almost every night anyway, why waste the money on rent? He owns a home that I assist in maintaining and updating. We are partners.
So why not? Me, being an emotional creature, I am trying to figure out my *feelings*. Oh feelings, my but you are silly. I torture myself with what-ifs that cannot be answered without action; perhaps living together will be super, or perhaps it will put us on the fast-track to splitsville. The world may never know if I don’t make a decision. So I turn to my friends; not for advice, but to allow me to dump out all these feelings on the rug and poke at them with a stick:
me: We are talking about maybe moving in together.
me: Immediate thoughts?
Burrito: That’s awesome!!! What’re your thoughts?
me: I like the idea of it But I’m not ready to make serious decisions like marriage, babies, etc. So my initial thoughts are if you can live with someone and just have it be about living together and none of that other junk? I’m excited that he has a great house that he owns that he doesn’t mind me suggesting what to do with…But I want a house of my own too.
Burrito: Well, it is possible to live with someone without talking about the marriage and babies and stuff and, honestly, it’s a little silly to buy a house if you’re considering living with someone who owns one (unless you would buy a house that he could move into, too).
To further clarify what I told Miss Burrito, I’m excited about the prospect of living together and for this next adventure. And I know that living together can be just that, living together! I don’t need to figure out how I feel about buying my own home, or marriage, or babies, or any of that other nonsense right now. I can just be in the moment, right? It all sounds good, but who among us makes a decision without weighing in the future decisions that may or may not have to be made down the line? None of us. Plus I have some other wild ideas…
me: Or live out my fantasy of living across the street or next door to my person (don’t judge). I’ve always wanted to live on two sides of a duplex or next door. And now celebrities are doing it so that means it’s (a) crazy, (b) a fad, or (c) genius.
Burrito: I’m not going to lie, it seems a little crazy considering you could just have extra bedrooms, but it also makes sense. Living with SMB [her boyfriend] is sort of like living alone to me, except the dishes magically do themselves. But i think that’s just because I’ve never enjoyed roommates, but don’t have that problem with him, somehow.
me: I’m never at my house except to pick up more clothes or sometimes do a little cooking.
Burrito: Seems like a waste of money to me.
I adore BF and I like nothing better than the idea of living with him and fixing up his house together and making him dinner. But…the last time I lived with someone I thought I was going to marry that someone. So this is the tricky part for me and my brain. Telling myself, “Dear brain, it’s okay that you aren’t ready to get married again, it will be okay…” just isn’t as calming as it should be. I don’t want to make the wrong decision. And more importantly, I don’t want BF to get hurt no matter which decision I make.
me: I mean I’m definitely leaning toward doing it, don’t get me wrong. Just expressing why it feels a little funny.
Burrito: You are the most committed commitment-phobic I’ve ever met. I don’t mean that in a bad way. It just seems like, on the one hand, you’re totally committed, but on the other, your reasons sound like someone who doesn’t want to commit. It’s interesting.
Interesting? More like maddening. But perhaps one of the better descriptions of me I’ve heard–most committed commitment-phobic. Is true. Le sigh. Decision time.