The Soap Operatic Equation

Where would we be without drama? I know I would have more luscious locks and lower therapy bills, but other than that…

Like a frog in a blender, so are the days of our lives. So how do you tell if your life is like a soap opera?

There are specific characteristics required in order for life to become a soap opera. You must have drama, intrigue, and passion. This may be evidenced by the fact that you just humped the pool boy but could be evident in other ways.

Soap operas are episodic in nature and are never ever neatly wrapped up in a nice little box. You may have a soap opera scenario on your pretty little manicured hands when you keep accidentally-on-purpose falling into bed with the same unsavory character over and over again. Or, if there are story threads that may be independent of each other.  Like the fact that you’re juggling several men at once (and better still, maybe they know each other!).

Is your life melodramatic?  How would you know?

Melodrama seeks to return to a space of innocence. Often it’s a question of timing. In melodrama, it’s all about the ideas of “too soon” or “too late.” Missed meetings, chance encounters, and so on. We all remember how cute you used to be before you were carrying around that handle of gin.

And it’s well and good to bemoan that if only you’d made it to the party on time that the cute guy in the corner might have wanted to suck face with you and not the blonde he’s currently manhandling. But let’s try and find a balance between romance, personal relationships, and sexual drama, shall we?

I know you genuinely “love” him, and that this love was long unrequited, but extramarital affairs are not the way to go.   And while everyone loves a good mystery, it’s not worth committing a crime like kidnapping or murder. I mean the legal drama of a trial could lead to some last minute rescue or revelation, but that mysterious stranger might not magically come back from the dead.

And it’s even less likely that your evil twin will step forward to admit that the unknown child who’s suddenly appeared on your doorstep isn’t actually yours at all.  DON’T crash the wedding! It never works out in real life.

So you and your handle of gin need to march your happy ass into rehab, but not before having a cat fight with a glamorous bitch figure. Because, clearly.

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One Response to “The Soap Operatic Equation”

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