If Only I'd Known

Oh the times they are a changing.  Buzz Feed dug up an old dating guide from 1938 and posted it a few days ago. it’s full of outdated advice about things like stockings (which no one wears when they want to get laid). I like it, and you will too!

But the advice I find most interesting is this last frame:

The caption reads, “The last straw is to pass out from too much liquor. Chances are your date will never call you again!”

And so, let me tell you a little story…

Once upon a time (several years ago) I went on a date. It was to be simple–just dinner and a movie. But it was not so simple. Not so simple at all.  I got to the restaurant first and waited a while. My date texted to say he was stuck in traffic. So I ordered an appetizer and a glass of wine.  Turns out the traffic was actually an accident so I ate and looked out the window watching the people walk along Broadway.

I have no idea what was in the appetizer except that it was made of fire and evil and was possibly the spiciest thing I’d ever put in my mouth. I gulped my glass of wine as it seemed to be the only thing that almost cut the spice.

Turns out the accident shut down the highway so I ordered another glass of wine and waited, picking at my cuticles and making a mental grocery list in my head.

My date arrived and I had my third glass of wine in an hour. It was genius move to be sure as these were healthy healthy pours. My mouth was still on fire and I couldn’t imagine putting another food-shaped-thing in my body.  He mowed some food and a beer before we wandered over to the movie.

The theatre darkened and the movie began. I could feel my head getting heavier. My eyelids were doing that thing were they would close and then I would violently shake my head and open them. Finally I caved.  I was drunk. I’d consumed the better part of a bottle of wine (if not the whole bottle) in little more than an hour and had eaten half of a molten lava appetizer. There was no bouncing back from this.  I passed out in the movie theatre.

I’m certain my date would have left me there, but I woke up just before the credits started to roll. My mouth tasted like awful and I prayed I hadn’t been snoring.  When the lights came up he turned to me. But he didn’t say, “What did you think?” or anything else one might say after a movie. He said crassly, “Did you have a nice nap? That was a good movie. I can’t believe you slept through it.”

“I-I drank too much,” I stammered, still waking up. I deserved his cold response. I was, after all, the drunk girl sleeping through the art house movie.

We walked out of the theater in silence. He left me on the sidewalk, unable to operate heavy machinery. So I went to my car and slept it off in the Walgreens parking lot.

And while the dating guide from 1938 may think passing out on a date is a surefire way to get booted, I went on to date that guy on and off for two more years. So let the record show, sometimes the drunk girl wins.

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2 Responses to “If Only I'd Known”

  1. Harry Melching Says:

    I have a hard time staying in a lasting relationship. It has finally occured to me I need dating tips and advice. Obviously I turned to the internet and found your site on bing and I am glad i did. good information on here. Keep doing what you’re doing. I’ll bookmark and be back!

  2. Mia Harris Says:

    i snore so much that i can wake up the whole neighborhood by just snoring

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