Marriage For Dummies

Just so we’re clear, I’ve included a definition of what “marriage” is from a dictionary. A dictionary (I’m told) is the ultimate source when it comes to words. A dictionary and Will Shortz, but he was too busy to get back to me…

Marriage, as it turns out, is a noun. It is defined as “the social institution under which a man and woman establish their decision to live as husband and wife by legal commitments, religious ceremonies, etc.” and as a “relationship in which two people have placed themselves to each other in the manner of a husband and wife.” And while the statement could read man and man, woman and woman, unicorn and Leah, the point is that someone has placed whoever the two nouns are into the other noun. The implication is that it is voluntary and both parties agree to be there. In America choice is still mostly free.

So forgive me for being a bit sour today and the statement I’m about to make: Why would I CHOOSE to place myself into such a situation?

For you see, I’ve the mark of a mistress. For whatever reason I am a beacon for the married dirtbag.  And it turns out I’m not alone. Some girls attract nice guys, some the adventurer, some of us get the already married.  A young lady on craigslist summed up most of my feelings in a posting that was sadly removed. It opened with “You’re married you moron.”  I’d like to believe that it means something to be married. I see friends do it and I think they might be brave. My sister is about to do it and I’m thrilled. Because her future husband would rather stab himself in the eyes with forks than so much as THINK about cheating on her.  At least I hope that’s the case.

So why all the sudden angst?  Because Jeff From Mississippi has started sending emails.

I’m not sure what to do with the emails.  I may or may not post them here. For now I’m not responding. Sister suggested getting the wife in on the action. I suppose that’s what enraged young ladies and mistresses are supposed to do–reveal the affair–but I’m not out to ruin Jeff’s life. More importantly I’m not keen on the idea of ruining the life his wife and child(ren?) think they have. Do I think Mrs. Mississippi should have better than to be married to a dirtbag? Absolutely! But I’m not sure I’m the reason she should discover such an unsettling thing.

My lovely never-married friend sent me an email recently that made me a little sad:

“You ask me why I classify myself as undatable,” her email begins. Because, yes, I asked once why she’d given up on dating. She’s tall and pretty like Uma Thurman and funny like Lily Tomlin and has built a lovely life for herself. But she has no desire to get married and has decided she is un-datable.

“It’s because the ratio of married-to-single guys who show even a speck of interest in me is somewhere in the neighborhood of 20:1. And I’m being generous with the 1 since sometimes I don’t bother to find out, or they don’t speak English (one of the primo perks of being a single gal with a passport and a lousy sense of direction).” Told you she was funny.

“They’re always married. I have to ask friends if I have “homewrecker” written in Sharpie marker across my forehead. The ones with pregnant wives and newborns are the worst. I have a theory that men have their major crises at this crux in their lives, not mid-life. And if a married guy travels for work, unless he’s Donny Osmond, he’s cheating. I work with a lot of guys who travel. It’s excruciating making small-talk with their wives at the Christmas party. So pretty; so on top of the world; so clueless,” she concludes.

So I get it. What’s the use of being pretty and on top of the world if your husband turns out to just be another Jeff From Mississippi and you turn out to be clueless?

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3 Responses to “Marriage For Dummies”

  1. Nola Berez Says:

    Don’t get me wrong, I love this bit of dating advice and I just sent it to my aunt.

  2. Kylie Sanchez Says:

    Uma Thurman was like a thousand times drop dead gorgeous when she was still younger.*-~

  3. Paige Flores Says:

    i seen Uma personally and she is quite a tall lady,.~;`

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