Man Be Gone
Wednesday, November 4th, 2009“He’s pissed you brought another boy,” is scrawled at the top of my notebook in small, tight, handwritten print.
Below that read the notes that I had written in my large loopy mish-mash of lower case and capital letters, a sloppy combination of print and cursive. Article ideas to pitch to travel magazines, ideas for future dating columns and blog posts, an artist I want to know more about.
The note is written by Kyle, boyfriend-turned-best-friend, and is written about a man that I may have smooched in the not so distant past. A man who refuses to make eye contact and is spending the evening pouting at the other end of the bar. A man I would love to flirt with, bat my eyes at, and convince to have a snowball fight with me. But I brought his shunning upon myself. I should have known better.
Because Kyle is the world’s best man repellent. I take him with me when I don’t want to be hit on. He’s kept me away from the douchebags who frequent the lower downtown establishments. He’s turned away married men who thought they might make me a mistress. He’s even scared away other exes who may have attempted a do-over. We often joke that if only we could bottle whatever it is, or start the “Man Be Gone Escort Service,” we’d make a mint.
Oh sure, Man Be Gone works like a charm every time, except this time I didn’t want to repel. I just wanted to have a drink with my best friend. I didn’t think it through, I forgot the power.
So here are the important lessons to be learned from this:
1.) Never underestimate the power of the cockblock. You never know when it will come. Even if you loudly introduce the handsome man sitting next to you with an emphatic, “This is my best FRIEND.” The people who think making someone jealous works are idiots. Giant lonely idiots.
2.) Powers can be used for good or for evil. But you don’t always get to choose which.
As Kyle said of his gift the next day, “It’s not surgical; it’s clumsy and clears out a room.”
Man Be Gone indeed.